Going postal

So I may not be a genius. And I know I'm not a complete dumbass. You know, I'm one of those inbetweeners. However, every time I walk into any kind of mailing service building (post office, ups, etc etc) I either turn into a dumbass, or every employee of those companies is required to wear a Chandler-style "Could you BE any more dumber" expression. I think I'm just gonna have to buy some packing supplies, pack my own shit, and drop it off in the middle of the night with a note attached asking to find my little package a good home.